The joys of parenting :(

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

-- Elizabeth Stone

Food times are usually noisy affairs at our place. Now that my four year old has outgrown the high-chair, I usually have trouble getting him to sit at one place and have his food. And on days when I try to feed him so I can finish the job quicker, the noise levels goes up further by a few decibels with my initial entreaties and his refusals turning messier by passing minutes into threats and tears. So yesterday, amidst the usual ruckus, I was also trying to carry on conversations with my husband and our friend who was visiting us, when I heard Madhu who was eating on her own, rush to my side and trying to get my attention. I was about to brush her aside asking her to wait till I finished my conversation when I thought I heard her making funny noises. I turned to give her my full attention and found her clutching her throat and gagging. My girl was choking and it took me a full minute to understand what was happening. I always had poor reflexes and here was my blood rushing to my ears, my brains commanding me to act and all I could was stare at her while she was choking in front of my eyes.

Like an automaton, my brains still in a haze, I starting pounding her back, while shouting incoherently. Mugi, who had just come near me for his next mouthful, ran for his dear life away from the room, aware that something beyond his understanding was happening to Madhu and that seemed to drive his usual loony of a mom further crazy. Seeing her distress, Anna and our friend rushed to where we were standing to help her, but luckily she heaved on her own and she threw up what was constricting in her throat. It was a very tiny piece of a potato chip that she had swallowed in her haste to finish her lunch. Within minutes she was back to normal and back to chowing down her food as usual, but there I was sitting numb and contemplating my own helplessness over the incident. In reality, I was of very little help to her and that very thought left me stunned and powerless.

It is like every time you convince yourself that you can make their world safe and that you can protect them, something happens to shake your world and make you realise how fragile their lives are. The fact that she rushed to me rather than going to Anna or our friend standing right next to her showed how much she believed in me, the power of a mother who could make things right for her. The enormity of such a responsibility scared me even more. All my life I had wanted to be a mother, but it is indeed true you are told to be careful of what you wish for L. I remember refusing to leave the hospital and plaguing the hospital staff with all sorts of questions just before we were bringing her home as a baby. I also recall turning to Anna with a terrified look on my face and asking him if we can manage to look after something so tiny and so fragile, on our own.

We managed and we still are, but yet seven years down the track, I still have moments when the accountability for another life, leaves me frightened out of my wits. The split second where I had lowered my guard and had almost lost Madhu at the Harbourtown factory outlet or the time I saw Mugil vanish from my sight and walk behind a car that reversed a minute later or the dark moment in my life when I discovered spots of hair loss on Madhu’s head triggered by autoimmune disorder (alopecia areata) or the occasions when we had rushed them to emergencies with unabating temperatures…..the list goes on, making you wonder of your own capabilities as a parent and how much control can you exercise over these happenings and protect them. And the worst is not over yet......

And when I shed tears of relief over parenting challenges encountered and moments passed, I also remember in gratitude my parents who still walk around with their hearts outside their body. But for now, my first step will be to find out about first aid classes in the local community colleges…….anything that will prepare me better for my next challenge as a parent.