Religion for dummies........

This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.

- Dalai Lama

Yesterday Madhu wanted to know what religion she belonged to. If she had been raised in India, it would have been a moot question. By her age, she would have been indoctrinated into the religion she was born into - the religious festivals, the rituals and customs of life back in India would make her no stranger to religion or faith. However she is here being raised by a mum who is in a perpetual crisis of faith and a dad who is a non-believer :)

I used to be teased by friends that as a family we had all major religious bases covered. My mother, is a devout Hindu and my father is more benevolent towards Muslim faith, given his 16 years in the Middle-east. As for myself, the Virgin Mary has been my security blanket ever since I was a kid :)

However, when I hit my late twenties, I had a crisis of faith that I never seemed to have gotten out of yet. I questioned the need for religion seeing the wars it fueled, the animosity it fostered among humanity, the divisions it brought into society. Besides it is hard to keep your faith when you see the pain and suffering around you - I am not merely talking of the wars, the famine, the tragedies, the slow but steady destruction of the universe happening beyond the realms of my immediate world, but of what takes place right around me. Everytime I hear/see relationships falling apart, a child abused, a life cut short, a hope squashed, a betrayal around me, people not caring enough, I question why? Perhaps our strength in handling these situations have been overestimated by Divinity.

I am a mere bystander of religion now. I want something beyond thou-shall-not-break commandments, beyond promises of eternal life, beyond narrow minded bigotry. I want something that works for the collective good of humanity and not against it. But despite my stand on religion, I am unable to give up on God Himself - like most people, I too need a support mechanism to fall back on when things go wrong in and around my life. Perhaps to answer miracles....and perhaps to bring the prodigal daughter home :(

When I doubt His presence, I see Him reflected in the deep compassion and forgiving spirit of Anna, in the innocence and unconditional love emanating from my children, in the belief and trust of my parents, in the goodness of my friends when they turn their other cheek to me, in random acts of kindness from total strangers, in the collective hope of like minded people around me that the world will turn into a better place. If it is true that He created us in His likeness, then I am here searching for Him not in religion, not in theology, not in the vast expanse of universe above me, but in the people around me.

So right now, it is my version of religion, built on kindness, selfless love, compassion and respect for human life that I am trying to instill in Madhu. Perhaps I might be a hypocrite still, in not practising totally what I preach, but someday I hope to get there.

Missing someone........

"To part is the way of life, to meet is the hope of life....."

-Anon

It was one of those lazy Saturday mornings edging into mid-day almost and I was cooking. Yeah, sometimes such culinary miracles do happen under my roof. Madhu, my 7 year old girl, was constantly in and out of the kitchen asking me for the spelling of various words. Since she loves writing, I did not take her seriously and besides when I am faced with the Herculean task of cooking, everything else pales in significance. Later, she said she wanted to sing me a song.....I nodded absent-mindedly. Then she sang......her sweet voice carrying the words to me over the noisy hum of the kitchen exhaust, the words that she had penned just moments earlier.

With writing skills running in both sides of the family, her own skills at it have ceased to amaze us long ago. I have always seen her write stories with illustrations and I used to joke with Anna that we have a budding author in our family. However, today was the first day I have heard a poem from her. The simple longing in her words, the clarity which which she had expressed her feelings made it impossible for me to take her words lightly, especially the optimism in her last two lines......with a lump in my throat, I reached out to my little hurting girl and hugged her. My daughter was missing her cousins who had stayed with her the last two years. She had bonded with them very well, especially my niece who had looked after her while I was away.

7 or 70 aren't we all plagued by memories of people whom we have left behind........dont we all miss someone in our lives everyday? I have always been given the customary reply to missing someone, "ah time will make it hurt less". Does it? Does time give us the luxury of easing the pain or erasing the memories? I always felt that when we part from someone we love, we are losing a significant part of ourselves. We might meet moments or lifetime later and might be lucky enough to pick up the threads, but we will never be the same people again. The essence of that relationship would always be there, but the intensity would have gone - trying to recapture the past would be nothing but a waste. So if I am given the choice of remembering and hurting over forgetting and moving on, I know what I would choose.

But as a mother, I wanted to protect my child from the pain of separation and wanted her to feel better atleast temporarily. I too gave her the empty promises of time and fooling her tiny heart into believing that things will get better and she will be able to see her cousins soon for holidays or next summer. I also send a silent prayer hoping that when she meets them again, she will be able to recapture what she enjoyed with them or atleast wont be able to notice the subtle but definitely distorting effects of time on their relationship.

Madhu's song for the day :)

If I love someone,

If I miss someone

If they are gone,

What will I do?

If they are here,

I will be with cheers

But since they are not,

I am with tears.

It was so much fun,

but now it is done

But once they come

It will all start again.

The Other Women........

"A mistress never is nor can be a friend. While you agree, you are lovers; and when it is over, anything but friends"

- Lord Byron

Last night on TV, I came across this news snippet that Tiger Woods will be having a press conference today and realised that we are due for another wave of Tiger Woods stories hitting the spotlight. When his news first broke out, I was still in Umea, Sweden and due to the fact that Elin Nordegren is Swedish, there was plenty of coverage on the media out there. While everyone was sympathetic to the betrayed wife, some of us had our curiosity piqued by the "Other Women" in the stories ( a considerably long list in this case) and what made them hang their tawdry laundry in public?

What pushes these women over the edge to make their affairs public? Are they just scheming gold diggers grasping at their 5 minutes of fame and aiming to boost their bank balances? Seeing that there are more and more women joining the "kiss-and-tell" bandwagon, it sure makes you wonder if these women have any sense of self preservation at all? Why would anyone in the right mind come out to be slaughtered by the public as a home wrecker and be called by other derogatory names? Well, these were some of the questions we were arguing about and some of us were saying maybe there are some genuine cases out there. The recent story of the infamous "billboard lover" YaVaughnie Wilkins, trumpeting her affair with Obama advisor Charles Phillips seems to fit more in this category.

Perhaps the woman is betrayed to find there was nothing real behind the relationship, maybe one discovers painfully that she was merely a statistic in the long list of affairs and that the months and years of emotional investment meant nothing. Perhaps the affair is brutally ended and she finds out she has lost everything including her self-esteem and she wants to get back at the man who would quietly go back to his wife or fiancee, perhaps if caught cheated, make a few apologies, renew the marital vows and resume his life with more affairs while the other woman is left with nothing except disgust and self-pity. Maybe she sees herself as avenging all wronged women or perhaps there is nothing heroic about her action and she is nothing but an embittered and unstable woman. No one can definitively say what pushes some of these women to go maliciously after their men, as seen in various headline stories where these women have taken out their wrath on their ex-lovers or their families. But then, haven't we all heard of the famous adage "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned".

In tragic cases, some women end up taking their own lives to get back at the men they loved. After all we have one of the conspiracies linked to one of the famous "Other Woman" Marilyn Monroe's premature demise as her affair with JFK coming to an end. This only precipates our theory that some of these women, who had genuinely cared for their men might lose control over their feelings and emotions when the affair runs out. Not all of them are lucky to end up with Brad Pitt or Prince Charles as some of the most famous other women of this era have managed to :)

However it is sad to see such vitriol and bitterness spewed all around us in the name of love. My question is what happens to these women, especially the ones in the harsh glare of the limelight once their five minutes is up? Do they get used to a life of name calling, was the money ever worth the notoriety they achieve.....maybe Rachel Uchitel might be able to shed some light on this over the alleged settlement she obtained from Tiger to keep mum.....yeah all I have to do is get her to read my blog :)

Do these women ever regret taking their fury out on their men? Do they not end up losing the man but also the memories associated with him? Do they not by their very own actions of disclosure reduce whatever they had to mere sordid and depraved affairs? Or perhaps we don't really care and we move on to the next story that keeps us entertained......sad but true.

Other women are mysteries to women themselves......in this case literally the "Other Women".

I am Su....

"I don't understand why people don't remember my name."

- Paul Lynde

"H - A"...

"E"...

Oh no....here we go again

"No, it is A as in apple".......

"Ah....A...."

Yeah right, your "aye" sure sounds like an "A" :(

"Can I have your surname please?"

Maniacal laughter in the background...aaargh it is coming from inside my head........"You sure can....." but I do pity you

"It is U-M-A-K-A-N-T-H-A-N"

"And now can we have your husband's surname, please?"

Ok somewhere around this point, I am due for a screaming fit :( I come across this problem every single time we have to give our names for any paperwork over the phone. I don't quail at the thought of spelling our names every single time but trying to pronounce it in a way that suits the Aussie ears.....oh please give me a break. As I cannot blame anyone for this, I choose to rave and rant and shy from phone calls where I have to torture myself and the person at the other end. It is a lot easier in person, I literally grab the pen off them and write our names and when they see the scrawl stretching onto the second line, they definitely appreciate my gesture.

So nowadays I stick to a single syllable when I am asked for my name.....and I try to say it with the same panache as Bond and fail miserably......."I am Su, Sujatha" :) Seeing that Sujatha and Annathurai have become Su and Anna, we decided to give our kids very short and easily pronounceable names hoping that they might have an easier time with their names than us. Most of our Indian friends still wait for us to complete Madhu's name when we introduce her. They ask if her name is actually "Madhubala" or "Madhumathy" and we reply "Madhu".....short and sweet, literally, is our bundle of joy :)) Despite this, I still hear the numerous distortions people make of their names at school, hospitals and sigh and roll my eyes.

Having said this, I am no exception to failing the name games as well......I have trouble getting "Siobhan" or "Gawith" or "Rwakatiwana" right......I still struggle to pronounce "Paula" the Serbian way or "Ghassan" the Arabic way, but if there is one thing that I have learnt from my own unpronounceable name is to make sure I make an effort to pronounce other names right.

When people try to get my name right despite when I offer to be called “Su”, I go “yeah, that’s the spirit baby” and shower them with a 400-watt smile.

I hear the phone ringing and I don't recognise the number......please don't tell me I am just about to start the name game again :((

Valentine's Day :)

"Today is Valentine's Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day."

- Jay Leno

Yesterday, I had taken the kids to Southbank, hectares of large rolling parklands along the river - one of the major tourist attractions of the city. I usually love the shady promenade along the river, the tiny rainforests and the tranquil Buddhist temple......the aura of that place really quietens a restless soul. For a moment or two, you can find yourself transported to a different world. Of course a few more paces deep into the parklands and you will come to the greens and the indoor beach littered with kids and parents and then you land with a deafening crash onto reality :)

I had totally forgotten about Valentine's day yesterday despite Madhu showering on us more of her artwork and thoughtful gifts. Both Anna and I do not make a big deal out of this hallmark holiday, it is just another routine day. So when I stepped onto South Bank, I was slightly shocked to see the place overflowing with couples, er....with abundant display of emotions, or should I say passion, ah well you get my point. I don't consider myself a prude but when I have kids in tow, I get worried of what questions might pop out of their mouth.

"But mummy, why are we walking so fast.......my legs hurt."

My brains hurt too, please don't ask me anything, please please.......

"Did you not want to see the slides?"

"Yeah, allright.......Mugi, shall we race then.......ok mummy try to catch us"

Oh no, what have I got myself into??? Maybe I should have spent more time in IKSU :((

But then my thoughts started swirling too keeping in pace with my racing legs and I started questioning the significance of this day. Is it not enough that we spend our lifetimes thinking inwardly of our own lives, our ambitions, our goals, our family, our kids.......do we need another day to work more on ourselves? Or is this a day for those absent minded men who are not wired to remember anniversaries and birthdays but will thankfully remember this day owing to the day being a hallmark moment and will have a chance at making up to their partners? Or another day for couples to settle their differences and wine and dine so they can spend the next 364 days working on being different? After all, when you are in love, do you need a special day to declare it, every single day would be Valentine's day, right? Why do we give in to peer pressure and go around doing or buying things for the mere sake of keeping tradition? I am sure there would have been plenty of chats going around the offices today along these lines........

"Ha, do you know what we did for Valentines yesterday?"

Sighs inwardly, do I really care.....

"Yeah sure, am all excited to hear about it. And you will never believe what I got last night "

Duh.....

Call me jaded or maybe I am suffering from "these grapes are sour" syndrome, but with plenty of problems facing one's survival in this world today, don't you agree with me that this day should be extended to spread more love and kindness to people who desperately need them, especially in these times of recession? Can we not think outside the box and make this day not just about couples but one where instead of mere words on cards, chocolates, flowers and lingerie, we try to reach out to people with meaningful gestures? I remember this incident in a cafe in the US sometime during the festive season (last December), where people started a chain reaction of paying bills for perfect strangers. If you call this day as a day of love, let that love be extended to perfect strangers (albeit deserving ones) too.......let us try make the world a better place to raise our kids in.

You are welcome to critique my thinking or beat me over my post but only after you do something nice for someone other than your partner and put a smile on their face :)) I am sure your partner will also wholeheartedly appreciate this instead of a bunch of flowers that will be going to go the bin a few days later or the chocolates that he/she is going to regret eating a few minutes later. As for the diamonds.......ah come on, which world are we living in :)))

Happy Valentine's day..........

The Cougars are in town.......

Jules: I'm a better mom with sleep...

- Cougar Town

After having gone cold turkey on TV shows the last 16 months, I felt I was in seventh heaven when I came back to find we had foxtel at home. So now I watch everything that flickers on the idiot box, yep I am a bigger fan of "Wizards of Waverley Place" than the kids......but yeah I am glad to be back in the world where I can watch my own TV, the shows I want to ( grrrr......yeah mostly after the kids are knocked out) and variety of programs at the flick of a button. If nothing, life as a student overseas sure makes you appreciate the simple luxuries of home, sweet home :)

So two nights ago, I decided to watch the new show "Cougar Town" with all the hype this show and the term "cougar" has been getting on the net. The series opened to show quite a stunning Courteney Cox. I have never found her interesting, especially with her being overshadowed by Jenifer Aniston in Friends, but I was quite surprised to see her with elevated levels of er, do I say oomph factor in the series. The show in itself is not much.....perhaps more of a "Desperate Housewives" meeting "Sex and the City" and shows of this kind always leave me wondering how come most mothers I see in suburbia are tired, frazzled, with hastily thrown jumpers and slacks and of course suffering from the the nation's greatest ailment, obesity......a far cry than the ones pictured on these shows.

But yes, coming back to utopian suburbia on the small screen, the show became further interesting phaps not for its plots but for its cast when I noticed that Bill Lawrence (producer of Scrubs, Spin City) was one of its creators. Being such a die hard fan of "Scrubs", I was thrilled to see Christa Miller ( the feisty and assertive Jordan in Scrubs) also star in Cougar town as Ellie, the neighbour and friend to Cox's lead character Jules. I used to love Scrubs for the comedy and especially the comradeship that existed between the characters Turk & JD. Therefore I have no doubts that Cougar town will take me on a interesting ride through one such friendship portrayed between the characters Jules and Ellie.

The show's ratings have gone through the roof which means it is going to stay for a while here on Channel 7.......one thing I hate is when the shows disappear without any trace. I am still whinging over "Moonlight" that got canned owing to writers strike and never came back. Ah well, while "Cougar town" lasts, you know where to find me next week thursday 8.30 pm :)

Free Dress Day at School........

"Behold, I do not give lectures or a little charity, When I give, I give myself." - Walt Whitman

Today was a very exciting day for the girls at home :) It was free dress day at Madhu’s school which means for a gold coin donation, the students can opt for casual wear. It was even more exciting for me as this was the first fundraising event in the school and it was being done for ACT for kids, the charity that I support.

ACT for kids is a non-profit organisation that works towards prevention of child abuse and has helped thousands of children since its establishment 20 years ago. Every February, on Valentine's Day, this organisation conducts one of its fundraising campaigns under the name “Tatts and Tiara”. On this day, they encourage the community to take part in fundraising efforts and raise money for the charity. For the last couple of years, I have been an active participant in "Tatts and Tiara" and used to raise money by organising morning tea at my workplace. In addition to my wonderful colleagues (former) contributing towards this noble cause, the company also showed solid support by matching the employee contributions dollar for dollar.

However this year, the charity organisation decided to go low profile on "Tatts and Tiara" but still encouraged their supporters to continue their February campaigns. So I decided to approach the local school in raising awareness for "ACT for kids". I was extremely pleased at the reception I obtained at the school and more so when I found the Principal very forthcoming and supportive in doing something for the charity. The school term had just begun and so the student council was not yet formed for such events. However the Principal offered to nominate this charity and without much ado, put forth the newsletter announcing the free dress day.

Seeing the newsletter and the school billboard announcing the free dress day made my heart glow but what really warmed my spirits was actually seeing the hundreds of kids in their non-uniforms. I stood there watching the kids run around and I realised it does not take much effort to help the community or put smiles to people's faces. All it cost me was a few steps out of my normal school run, and a few extra words to put forth my case to the Principal and the charity now has a whole school of kids supporting them and I go back home content that I have made a difference in someone's life today.

Perhaps today's fundraising was just a drop in the ocean……but in the words of Mother Theresa, the ocean would be less because of that missing drop. My heartfelt gratitude to the local State School for their fundraising efforts this year.

Choices or Chances....which team do you belong to?

“What really interests me is whether God had any choice in the creation of the world.”

- Albert Einstein

With the recent rains, the weather had cooled down a bit lately. Seeing that the day was less of a scorcher, I ventured out and had a much needed "me" time with a lovely friend of mine. The delicious chicken wrap that she produced in a jiffy was awesome, but even more so, just chilling out with her worked wonders for my sagging spirits. More chicken soup for the soul :) On the drive back, I happened to glance at a church's billboard which had Jean Nidetch's ( the founder of Weight Watchers) famous quote "It's choice--not chance--that determines your destiny." The words brought a wry and bitter smile to my face.

How many of us have had the luxury to make choices and take control of our lives? Does anyone remember the days when we applied for seats in professional colleges back in India? I certainly don't remember having had choices - even the most brilliant of the minds had sat there at the mercy of the selection board of the universities hoping that the odds would be in their favour to land an admission in the colleges, never mind the course he or she wanted. Most of us had signed away our rights to choices and instead allowed ourselves to be swept away by the opportunities that came our way first - the first campus recruitment company that hired us, the first alliance that worked out, the first promotion in deciding our career and so on.

And indeed this has been the case with me - I had always let others play a predominant role in shaping my destiny, starting with my educational degree, marriage and career. I had settled in for whatever came my way first - and lately I am forced to realise that this no longer works. The work became a mere job - not a vocation, and life, perhaps more of a survival than living to the fullest. I believe you can truly say you have lived your life only when you are given the liberty of making choices. Perhaps if we had chosen the path we are travelling, maybe we would learn to stick to it and make things work when the going get tough, instead of being tempted to choose the easy way out and giving it all up at the slightest signs of trouble.

I am afraid I would be slipping back into the evil old ways ( after a brief respite of making choices the last couple of years) of allowing chances dictate my life once again. Would I be giving up on my dreams of working in the non-profit sector or having a flexible job to accomodate the needs of my children? Would I again be cornered into giving up on doing what I would love to do and instead take up the first job that comes my way to make ends meet? With every passing day, I seem to reach out blindly to what life offers me.......sadly, from experience, I have found that compromise only leaves a bitter aftertaste.

Isn't the ultimate purpose of life to have a life with a purpose?

Hey little stranger????

"Friends are God's ways of apologizing for our families."

- Anonymous

The planning started a week ago - the letters were sent out, RSVPs collected, the menu planned, the house and the patio cleaned and scrubbed, arrangements made to oust the little brat of a brother out of the house while the dignitaries were visiting.......allright, what was the occasion??

Voila......my seven year old had three of her friends visiting her for a playdate over the weekend. She was speaking non-stop of the weekend and when the day dawned, she could hardly stand still. Since I had been away, she hardly had her friends around to our place and hence the much awaited occasion meant more than the usual to her. The screams of joy that started (and was reciprocated) when she spotted her friends on the driveway never stopped till they left a couple of hours later.

My daughter is normally a very quiet and content child, I have hardly seen her exuberent, maybe because my son, with his non-stop chatter and incessant demands usually eclipses her at home. At school, our parent-teachers meetings are usually short and uneventful - teachers hardly have anything to talk about her as she is a very smart kid and once they go "she is awesome, very respectful, bright and intelligent"......both parties usually end up with having little to discuss, and definitely not much to gain an insight on the kind of personality she is. I always introduce her as "she is 7 but going on 70"......her maturity and sensitivity astounding us at times and even though I longed for the child in her to surface at times, I have almost started to believe this is how she is.

So it definitely came as big surprise to us when we spotted this entirely transformed little gal in front of us. She was for once behaving her age and having so much fun that it was a delightful experience to stand by her and watch her, full of life and mirth. I remember questioning her best buddy if she was like that at school......and she goes "yeah, can't remember her being any other way".....the careless reply still brings a smile to my face, however slightly tinged with sadness. It takes friends and not family to bring out the real "her" in her......I smile at the irony that my daughter is a "chip of the old block" :))

Friends - how could anyone underestimate the richness that relationship brings to one's life? Being an only kid - I had no siblings or relatives to turn to while growing up. My friends were the ones who always stood by me and till today, they are the ones I turn to first rather than my own parents for the simple reason that I find it easier to talk to them than my own family. Friendship was the safe haven where I could be myself.......where despite my failings, I had people who could cut me slack and appreciate me for what I was.

Lately events had happened where it made me question the emotional investment and energy I put into friendships. I was about to "let go" a very good friend of mine because I let other inconsequential happenings cloud my judgement and make me forget the true essence of that friendship, but this very simple incident over the weekend has made me miss my own circle of friends - the family I had chosen and created for myself.

This morning, I am glad I made the much needed phone call to salvage that friendship........the week has begun on a high note !!!!

Mothers or Heroes????

"When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child."
- Sophia Loren, "Women and Beauty"

I was at the early education centre where my 4 yr old does his school readiness program.....eeew that does sound a mouthful.....it never ceases to amaze me how people come up with such fancy terms to snare unsuspecting parents :( Anyway it was a very busy hour at the daycare centre with parents dropping off kids and signing the registers, so the tiny office area was quite crowded. Suddenly a mother's voice boomed into the enclosed space, the anger emanating from her, very palpable, causing heads to turn in anxiety and some in eager anticipation of an ensuing confrontation. She was voicing her displeasure, to the childcare centre staff, over using a different sunscreen lotion on her toddler's body than the one she had given them. To most people, the accusation would have been seemed trivial and perhaps even insignificant but this innocuous overlooking of parents requirements by the staff had a different effect on the group of women standing in that office.

You see, you had forgotten we are mothers, a breed of its own kind :) The atmosphere in the room shifted.....none of the mothers questioned the reasoning or logic behind her anger anymore ( the boy has a skin disorder which we came to know later), but immediately our sympathies were with the irate mom and instead we became more like "children of the corn" collectively focusing our displeasure at the staff who were squirming under our baleful eyes.

I have just finished a book "The Life You Longed For" by Maribeth Fischer, an author I have hardly heard about. Her writing reminds me of Jodi Picoult, Jacquelyn Mitchard, authors who masterfully capture the nuances, the subtleties and the complexities of human relationships. The book is about a mother, accused of Munchausen Syndrome by proxy while caring for her dying child. It is not the pathos of the mother's struggle with a dying child, or her mortal fear of losing the child that caught my attention, but her ferociousness behind protecting her child and going out on a limb to fight for few more years of life for her child that moved me immensely.

Like all other species, the homo sapien mother does not lag behind in viciously protecting her young. The same theme is echoed in Jodi Picoult's "My Sister's Keeper" where the movie version did not fail to move me, especially the scene where Cameron Diaz in her superb emoting as the mother shaves her own head to support her sick child. I was both crying, laughing and shaking my head over at that mother's behaviour thinking that all mothers, despite their skin colour, race and ethnicity are the same. When I came to know about Madhu's hair loss problem which can turn out to be total in some cases, I remember stating vehemently in helpless anger and in deep anguish that I would be shaving my head too (despite my hair behind my only vanity) if Madhu ever ended up like that as I would not want my kid to handle her loss alone. Touch wood, she has had a healthy scalp for the last four years with occasional episodes but nothing major so far.

Anyway the incident at the daycare centre hit a little too close to home given that the book and the movie remain still fresh and raw in my memory. My heart goes out to those valiant mothers, living every parents' nightmare and dealing with the trauma of having a sick child in their hands. My heartfelt prayers to such moms, whose strength and positive attitude is so amazing......may their battles leave them unvanquished and less scarred.