The joys of parenting :(

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

-- Elizabeth Stone

Food times are usually noisy affairs at our place. Now that my four year old has outgrown the high-chair, I usually have trouble getting him to sit at one place and have his food. And on days when I try to feed him so I can finish the job quicker, the noise levels goes up further by a few decibels with my initial entreaties and his refusals turning messier by passing minutes into threats and tears. So yesterday, amidst the usual ruckus, I was also trying to carry on conversations with my husband and our friend who was visiting us, when I heard Madhu who was eating on her own, rush to my side and trying to get my attention. I was about to brush her aside asking her to wait till I finished my conversation when I thought I heard her making funny noises. I turned to give her my full attention and found her clutching her throat and gagging. My girl was choking and it took me a full minute to understand what was happening. I always had poor reflexes and here was my blood rushing to my ears, my brains commanding me to act and all I could was stare at her while she was choking in front of my eyes.

Like an automaton, my brains still in a haze, I starting pounding her back, while shouting incoherently. Mugi, who had just come near me for his next mouthful, ran for his dear life away from the room, aware that something beyond his understanding was happening to Madhu and that seemed to drive his usual loony of a mom further crazy. Seeing her distress, Anna and our friend rushed to where we were standing to help her, but luckily she heaved on her own and she threw up what was constricting in her throat. It was a very tiny piece of a potato chip that she had swallowed in her haste to finish her lunch. Within minutes she was back to normal and back to chowing down her food as usual, but there I was sitting numb and contemplating my own helplessness over the incident. In reality, I was of very little help to her and that very thought left me stunned and powerless.

It is like every time you convince yourself that you can make their world safe and that you can protect them, something happens to shake your world and make you realise how fragile their lives are. The fact that she rushed to me rather than going to Anna or our friend standing right next to her showed how much she believed in me, the power of a mother who could make things right for her. The enormity of such a responsibility scared me even more. All my life I had wanted to be a mother, but it is indeed true you are told to be careful of what you wish for L. I remember refusing to leave the hospital and plaguing the hospital staff with all sorts of questions just before we were bringing her home as a baby. I also recall turning to Anna with a terrified look on my face and asking him if we can manage to look after something so tiny and so fragile, on our own.

We managed and we still are, but yet seven years down the track, I still have moments when the accountability for another life, leaves me frightened out of my wits. The split second where I had lowered my guard and had almost lost Madhu at the Harbourtown factory outlet or the time I saw Mugil vanish from my sight and walk behind a car that reversed a minute later or the dark moment in my life when I discovered spots of hair loss on Madhu’s head triggered by autoimmune disorder (alopecia areata) or the occasions when we had rushed them to emergencies with unabating temperatures…..the list goes on, making you wonder of your own capabilities as a parent and how much control can you exercise over these happenings and protect them. And the worst is not over yet......

And when I shed tears of relief over parenting challenges encountered and moments passed, I also remember in gratitude my parents who still walk around with their hearts outside their body. But for now, my first step will be to find out about first aid classes in the local community colleges…….anything that will prepare me better for my next challenge as a parent.

In transit - the life of an immigrant???

“I handed my passport to the immigration officer, and he looked at it and looked at me and said, "What are you?"”

- Gray Murray Hopper

While I was at the Hong-Kong airport, a week ago, in transit, I was approached by an Australian woman asking for my help to plug her laptop in the nearby electrical socket. Realising that she had an Indian travel adapter and given my natural inquisitiveness, I asked her if she was flying back from India. Surprise, surprise......she told me she had been visiting Pondicherry. In an airport that boasts of 47 million passenger throughput, I find the first person walking up to me, coming from my home town. Isn't that an unbelievable coincidence :)) What's more, she was born there (Auroville) and she spoke lovely Tamil, better than mine I can definitely say ( Sash, you would readily vouch for that if you had heard her :)).

However her next few lines threw me off my track completely.......she asked me if I thought Australia was safe. Here was a white female, an Australian confiding in me of her fears about returning to her city ( Melbourne) because she was married to an Indian guy and had a son whom my 7 year old would have classified as "brown" rather than "white". I had to admit that I had no idea of what was happening within the country as I had been away for the last few months and had buried myself in my private world of theses and defenses and certification exams. When occasionally quizzed by concerned friends and my over- paranoid parents regarding this issue, I had conveniently shrugged it away but guess evading reality is no longer an option.

My father-in-law used to work in Paris half a century ago. But he quit that job and returned back to India and while struggling to raise a big family in his home-town, he was always questioned about the choices he had made, especially returning back home instead of enjoying a profitable career abroad. His answer was that his life overseas away from his roots was like "water droplets on a lotus leaf" (the lotus effect). He felt that he never belonged there, never could fit-in. I believe this is something that most expatriates of any nationality go through. By migrating they seem to lose their identity - they no longer belong to the country that they left behind, nor do they perceive that the new country welcomes them as its children. I still remember being confronted by an immigration officer at Chennai airport who looked at me with something akin to disgust when he looked at my passport with the Australian Permanent Resident Visa label on it.......he spat out "Aaah Migrants". The incident though happened a decade ago, still rankles me and leaves me with an awful taste in my mouth every time I pass through immigration back home.

Anyway, despite all this, I believe I managed to settle down in the new country which I always thought had welcomed me with very open and friendly arms. Apart from the occasional incidents of "Paki" calls thrown at me and with the seat next to me usually filled in last while travelling in buses or trains ( which I used to consider a blessing mostly), I never had much to talk about in terms of discrimination. Both Anna and I are always highly regarded by our colleagues and treated cordially by Australian friends and the community at large. Madhu is also quite popular at school and Mugi had never had any trouble settling in with his Aussie mates. All these years, we had been comfortable living here in our own skins.

But today when I ventured out with the family to the nearby shopping centre, for the first time I was conscious of who I was. I was afraid to look into people's eyes worried how we would be perceived by them. I also remember shushing Mugil who was running around and chattering non-stop, leaving me a bit anxious that he might attract unwanted attention. I can see Indian friends making light of the happenings in Melbourne, but under that facade, I can detect the cracks appearing questioning their faiths in the country that they have adopted. A few years ago, watching the Cronulla riots on TV, I found it surrealistic, unable to believe it happening in Australia. And today, the same numbness takes over me, leaving me unable to digest what had happened to Indians in Melbourne.....shattering my beliefs in the goodness of the world around me.

For now, we are all waiting, hoping and keeping our fingers crossed that there wont be any escalation or copycats of these attacks......only time will tell. It is sad that people like me seem to live in transit in both their countries, belonging nowhere and yet desperately trying to fit in both the worlds..........which makes me wonder, have we made the right choices?

Back to School....

"If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers."
-- Edgar W. Howe

Back to School !!! School term has started here and that means no more morning sleep ins for me :( I have never found school runs particularly exciting and especially now, I seem to loathe them in the scorching Brissie summer heat ( duh, have I started complaining about the heat already???). There is almost never any parking near the school and since I cannot boast of my parking skills especially when it comes to parallel parking even after all these years of driving :), I usually resort to parking a few blocks away from the school which means by the time we get to school, we all look like we have just stepped out of the shower. I don't think wet looks for hair are appreciated in school yet :)

Lately I seemed to have developed a healthy respect for parents, especially those moms who seem to effortlessly manage their babies, toddlers and school aged kids milling around them. I have trouble maneuvering just two :) and getting them to school safely and on time. I am usually tempted to cross the road at the nearest available point, but then afraid of teaching the kids unsafe crossing habits and avoiding unwanted scrutiny by the Principal hovering near the gates, I demurely make the kids walk a bit further down the road, use the school crossing and walk back to school. But once I reach the gates and walk inside, I heave big sighs of relief at the coolness of the shady corridors and glad that the job is done and I will have a small respite till afternoon where I will have to do this, all over again :(

I used to be one of those moms who used to drop her kids and disapparate (oh yeah, the editor complains now, if J.K.R can use the word, why can't I :( ) as quickly as I can. I used to whiz in and out of daycare centers and schools, hardly having time to socialise with other moms or talk to my kids' friends. I used to envy the luxury that stay-at-home moms enjoyed, using this time at school to plan weekend play dates for the kids and spend time getting to know each other. But looks like now I have crossed over to the other side :) I now walk up to unsuspecting moms and strike up conversations and what more I seem to enjoy doing this. Ha, the luxury of no pressing agendas and time to breathe.......I am enjoying this while it lasts.

I made a couple of new friends this term, one of them is a lovely African lady from Zimbabwe. She was so delighted to know that I have good friends in Ghana and Zimbabwe, however Peter, I ended up pronouncing your surname quite miserably, sorry buddy :) We were both laughing at the coincidence that our names just differed by one syllable. Funnily enough, the moms have taken to each other quite quickly and now we chat like old friends already. The kids however are testing the waters and taking their time to make their acquaintances. But yeah, they have all the time in the world right......the term has just started :)

Aarrgh, come on, is it that time of the day again? Another school run.........duh :(

Bunny, bunny........dust bunnies :)

"You sometimes see a woman who would have made a Joan of Arc in another century and climate, threshing herself to pieces over all the mean worry of housekeeping."

- Rudyard Kipling

Now that my legs are planted firmly on ground and I no longer have the luxury of being a visitor in my own house, it is time for reality to kick in :) The initial excitement of being home has now worn off and instead trepidation of what needs to be done around the house slowly crept in. I know my husband (Anna) must have been tidying the house before I arrived.......but his concept of cleaning is hiding everything out of sight :) I am fully aware of being ambushed with falling toys and clothes when I open any closet, but hey, I am grateful that he at least managed to keep the house still standing while I was away.

I stepped into the bathroom to notice the signs of grout on the bath tiles, the all telling signs that the cleaner had not been making his regular visits to the house. When I brought the subject up, I found that, after Callum, my regular clean-in guy had called in with a broken arm, no efforts had been made to follow up on his progress the last couple of months. I remember exacting a couple of promises from Anna before I left:

1) Thou shall not discontinue music lessons for Madhu ( our daughter)

2) Thou shall maintain the triweekly visits by the cleaner

Surprise, surprise!!! The commandments were broken pretty quickly and Anna was lucky to escape the spousal brimstone and fire seeing that I was conveniently away while it happened. There is no fun in showing your displeasure over skype, long distance wrath calls simply do not work for us :)

So on day 2, when all I wanted was to curl up and sleep under the excuse of jetlag, I was there scrubbing the tiles and floor of the shower and tidying up the rooms and closets. I received plenty of cooperation from the family and it was indeed fun to see dad and the kids exchanging jokes and having fun at the expense of mummy's fetish for cleanliness :) However I refrained from stepping into the kids toys room, that would need a major spring clean and it can wait till my battery is fully recharged.

As for now, it was a pleasure stepping inside clean rooms and bathrooms and above all a relief, knowing that I wont be starting a treasure hunt every time I wanted to lay my hands on something.

Home Sweet Home.......

"The family - that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor, in our inmost hearts, ever quite wish to."

-Dodie Smith

The plane touched ground and waltzed slowly on the runaway but my thoughts were already racing towards home. As it was way past the kids bedtime, I had made arrangements to be picked up from the airport by a friend. I arrived to a very silent house.....I unlocked the door and stepped inside and could feel my face muscles arranging themselves into a big grin at the thought of having arrived home finally. After living in closets the last 16 months ( ok :) that was an exaggeration....but what can one expect from university accomodation ), the mere fact that I can stretch my arms without bumping into any walls widened my grin further !!!!!

I raced to the bedroom and flung the door open to see the family blissfully sleeping. I tiptoed to my husband and nudged him awake.......I still could not stop smiling, I could not believe I had come home. After months of restlessness prior to going away, the periods of indecision, the time away, the hectic periods of study, home seemed a long way to where I had been. But not anymore......we hugged and kissed and I lunged forward to hold my still sleeping four year old in my arms. I could feel the tears tugging at the corner of my eyes.......all this time, what I had missed the most was hugging my kids. I could not wait to inhale the baby smell emanating from my son and when I heard his sleepy voice utter "amma" ( mom in our mother-tongue Tamil), the tears fell freely on my cheeks. I hugged him tight and showered him with kisses and guess I knew he was fully awake when he went on to ask me "what have you got me?"...........my little brat has been plaguing me with a long list of what he wanted ( which was mostly Ben10 variations) while I had been in Sweden and he could not wait to lay his hands on what mummy would have got him.

With him in my arms, I sat there gazing at my girl, still sleeping amidst the ruckus and the lights switched on. My seven year old sleeping beauty never ceases to amaze me. I guess most parents never fully get adjusted to see their babies grow up so quickly. I still remember holding her as a colicky and quite a high maintenance baby :) in fact I had named her mini "frowning glory", a title that I gladly passed on from my own college days. But seeing her now blossom into this lovely, charming and concerned individual makes me wonder if she really is my daughter and that no babies had been switched at the hospital :))

I had a very protective childhood with my parents hardly letting me out of their eyesight. Being their only child, I was always their utmost priority. However here I was going after my own career aspirations leaving my kids to fend for themselves.......guess this is something that I would never easily forgive myself for. I think they were very brave to be away from their mother at such a tender age and I hope in the coming years I will be able to make up for their lost time with me.

But for now, I am revelling in the warmth of their tiny bodies and forgetting my fears of the future, safe in the haven of their embrace.

Going Home...

"In the end, it's not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away."
- shing xiong

I am watching this glorious sunrise while flying over China. It would have been an unremarkable experience for any other person. But for me, who had spent the last few months cooped up in Umea, a small university town in northern Sweden, this is as good as it can get :) I believe in symbols and signs......what better than a sunrise to denote the new beginnings I was flying home to !!!

Let me introduce myself. I am 34 yrs old, of Indian origin who has spent the last decade making a home in Australia. I had been away from home the last 16 months on a pursuit of a remedy for my midlife crisis which is what I believe I went through :) I gave up a lucrative career of being a senior software engineer in order to pursue a Masters in Strategic Project Management in Europe. What some people would have called a self-absorbed, egocentric and perhaps irrational wild-goose chase, I believe this was something I had to do to comprehend what I really wanted in my life, for myself.

Like most other people with mortgages to pay and kids to raise, I had been getting out of bed the past twelve years and going to a job that was merely a job and not my vocation. Not that delving into project management would change things for me, but I believe somewhere when I took the decision to pursue this course, I also decided to change the status quo. I took the risk of giving up on good money and security and decided to invest in my dreams perhaps at the cost of my family's well-being but at the end of the day, what mattered was that I decided to take the first steps to change what was not working for me.

I had the blessings of my husband who by the way has always been enthusiastically canonized by my friends for the simple fact that he lives with me :) I owe him a lot for giving me the liberty and the much needed support to pursue my dreams. However I believe it was my kids who bore the brunt of my decision. It had been an agonizing and heart-wrenching decision to leave them behind as my course entailed not staying in one place over the 16 months but moving to different countries within the EU every semester. Seeing that this nomadic life would not have suited my kids aged 6 and 3, I left them behind, but content that they were in the excellent hands of my hubby and his family.

I have been visiting home in between during my holidays and talking over skype almost every day, but distance and time have not been kind to me and my family. I cannot erase the fact that I had been away for a long time and have missed out on a lot of things related to my kids. I am now heading back home for good, in fact have already been cooped up for the last eight hours on my flight from Helsinki to Hong Kong.

I do not know what my future holds for me but for now, I am planning to take it one day at a time. I started this blog so I can start on this second phase of my journey and record my re-union with my family, my job hunting, my kids growing up, the everyday happenings in my life, and so on. It perhaps might be just a record of events to the average blog reader, but to me, it is my life that is happening on these pages and there are always plenty of moments to be treasured (and to be blogged as well :))

So welcome to my blog and get me started on this new adventure......what I call "Life" :))