I, the living.......

"When you see a man casting pearls without getting even a pork chop in return--it is not against the swine that you feel indignation. It is against the man who valued his pearls so little that he was willing to fling them into the muck and to let them become the occasion for a whole concert of grunting."

-Ayn Rand

I discovered Ayn Rand when I was 19 - does seem like centuries ago now :) Perhaps too late to discover a good author, but still way too early to read her books I guess. There are people who swear by her books, her principles, especially her philosophy of "Objectivism" which rapidly gained a lot of momentum and publicity....er, perhaps the latter laced quite liberally with negative criticism and censure. Despite everything, her books are widely read and even claimed to be most influential, second only to the Bible. In layman terms, she stands for individual rights and freedom, any form of collectivism is hugely frowned upon by her.

A few days ago, I wrote one of her quotes as my Facebook status message and this brought a lot of comments from two of my buddies who had read her as well. Like most philosophical works, Rand is not an easy read and I sometimes wonder I perhaps keep revisiting her books more out of a lack of total understanding of her philosophy than for her appeal as a writer. In all my 35 years of life, I have come across only handful of people in my circle who have read her and have been in a position to debate about her. Lately I avoid being caught in such arguments, as I realise the blinkers that I always wore for her writings are slowly coming off and I am unable to concede fully with the absolutism of her philosophy. Perhaps, in moments of self-awareness, in those rare moments when I can afford to be candid to myself, I am aware of my own limitations and recognising my own failures in living up to her principles.

As a child and into my teens, I used to be one of those people who would merely comment at the injustice of a system but would hide in the shadows waiting for someone else to take the lead. Perhaps this is where Rand exorcised me out of my fears. I soon saw myself growing into this non-conformist person with the least regard for rules or dogma of the society - in fact I have always been known to be a rule-breaker, a rebel in trying to adhere to what I believed in. I make compromises mostly not out of reverence for the rules but perhaps for the one enforcing it, given my own admiration or belief in the individual or the collective group that enforces it.

One Randian principle I always lived by atleast till recently, was that I do not use people for my own selfish gains. I believed I earned what people chose to bestow me with. I have come across people who exploited others for their own selfish interests and I swore never to be one of those. Likewise when I gave I always measured it based on their worth, the generosity of my own gift was a tribute to the person. Despite the precautions, despite the integrity of my emotions, as with people who are equipped only with half-truths, lately I have been portrayed as a highly manipulative person by people who chose to hide their own indiscretions behind a cloak of morality. But perhaps there is never smoke without fire.

If I had been less critical of myself, I would have swept all these comments under the carpet and proceeded on writing a post on my daughter's newly acquired football skills. But here I am, unable to digest the defamation of the only principle I ever lived by..... so I ask myself have I slackened with respect to what I wanted from people around me? Have I laid "claim" to what I believed people owed me because of what I gave them or am I in reality, a second-hander, "who could not exist except as a leech on the souls of others"? The only conclusion I arrived was perhaps I gave too much given my poor judgement with respect to people. Alas, what are the use of principles if you basically lack good judgement :)

So there I am trying to find my way in the darkness and perhaps a way of extricating myself out of the mess I find myself in. Perhaps as a first step I can start by saying I will not accept any scraps if the altruism is forced. If I take pride in being a free-thinking person, then I better start behaving as one, respecting not just my freedom but others as well.

"I take the only desire one can really permit oneself. Freedom, Alvah, freedom."
"You call that freedom?"
"To ask nothing. To expect nothing. To depend on nothing."

A special thanks to my Randian friends for renewing my interest in her philosophy - it cannot come at a better time in my life than now.