I have a choice, don't I??

“It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”

- J.K.R

-"Why have you not had your lunch fully?"

My voice comes out a wee stricter than I intended to.....empty lunch-boxes from school are the house rules, I did not like to see them broken.

-"I had very little time to eat because I wanted to go and see the talentquest......"

Her voice floated to me from her own world of self-absorption :)

-"Ha, are you taking part in the talentquest?"

-"Nope"

This time she sounded as if she was coming back to earth and was preparing herself for the landing......in her case a showdown with her mum.

-"Why not?"

-"I don't like to."

I could sense the slight sulkiness creeping into her voice and wondered what was she so defensive about?

-"You do know mummy likes you to take part in such activities."

-"Yeah I know you do, but I have a choice, don't I?"

Bent at the sink washing dishes, my head reared back so quickly that I believed I might have suffered a whiplash from it. Mind you this is not a girl in her teens, she is just 8 years old....technically speaking she's still got a week left for her 8th birthday. She's also not someone who is by nature a rebellious or a tantrum-throwing kid, her brother steals the limelight on that one. I wipe my hands unable to continue with the chore of washing dishes and turn and look at her. I see her, resolutely refusing to look at me but instead continuing to be immersed in my almost empty address book on the kitchen counter.

I look at my girl who has always been the apple of my eye, my sole reason that has kept me persevering even on days when the going gets tough and I have been tempted to throw in the towel. I come from a culture where parents have been the sole architect of their kids lives, designing by trial and error in most cases and always ensuring that the kids do not get to repeat the mistakes of their own childhood. They also strived beyond their ordinary means and capabilities to provide the opportunities for their children to do the things they aspired to but never had the luxury or means to do it. It was like the parents lived their own childhoods through their kids a second time, savouring their kids victories and counting their accomplishments and achievements as their own.

As a child I have always given in to my parents wishes and demands and that continues in most cases even today. Sometimes I do think ruefully, that my umbilical cord connections are too strong to be severed despite the distance or my years :) It still continues in several eastern cultures - the supremacy of the parents over the lives of their children - be it the kids in question are intelligent, mature or old enough to make decision for themselves. The children, in turn, willingly succumb to this parental pressure, given that this is how the society and the culture that they have been raised in expect of them.

So what happens when expatriate parents try to impose their own upbringing and cultural values on their kids? For one, they are sure to experience whiplash injuries given my own experience :) On a serious note, my daughter's stand in refusing to do something that she was not interested in was her first step towards displaying her own assertiveness. Do I marvel at this streak of independence in her, appreciate her refusal to do something to merely please her parents or do I put my foot down and exercise my primal authority of parenthood?

I recall an incident where she had invited me to a parents & grandparents day at school to see her activities and I remember telling her I was not so comfortable coming to her class. She took a minute to reply and her exact words were "I will be very happy if you turn up. But if you are not happy about coming there, you don't have to come. I will understand. I will want you to do it only if it makes you happy". Her words then had made me laugh....especially out of amazement seeing that I had spawned such a mature soul. Of course I turned up at her school and was touched by her sheer delightful response to my presence.

But today those very words of hers was my own harsh wakeup call to parenthood reality - my little girl clearly knew her boundaries even when it came to making requests of her own parents. She knew despite her tender age that she has to take the other person's preferences into account when it comes to making demands of their time, emotions or benevolence.

How easily we impose our own desires, our own wants and needs, prejudices and opinions on people in the name of love or relationship? We expect the people, especially the ones that we claim as the closest and those we would readily lay down our lives for, to toe our lines. We make them the sacrificial goats in the name of our very love. We end up leaving them burdened by their obligations to us, and kids especially are exposed to these chains of love at quite an early age. Our intentions towards shaping their lives might be good, but at what cost? Would she ever apply her mind in learning a new skill or talent if she is being forced to? I remember those days of dancing lessons that I had attended merely to satisfy my dad and here I am regressing easily into the same flaws of parenthood.

I go near her, turn her to face me and get her to meet my eyes - I explain patiently to her that it is a good opportunity for her to learn something by taking part in the talent quest. I remind her how much she loves to sing and dance and such events might give her the opportunity to do it. She then confides that she is not entirely comfortable in performing on a stage, even though she had wanted to take part in it. I tell her to give it some time and it will come to her naturally. She looks at me with renewed confidence in her own abilities and promises to give it a go next term as the selections are already over. We hug each other and give big smiles, happy that we both have learnt something valuable and significant from each other today.

I know this is just the start of what is going to come in the future years - my hands are going to be full in rearing a child who knows exactly what she wants for herself. A part of me is proud that she would never allow herself to become anybody's doormat, but a part of me sighs at the turbulent years waiting ahead of both of us. I hope and pray that I will always be able to find the strength within myself to shape this girl's life without breaking her or her dreams. And as a parent, I know that this is the best gift I can give her..........her wings to fly in the right direction without ever having to clip them :)

The joys of parenting :(

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

-- Elizabeth Stone

Food times are usually noisy affairs at our place. Now that my four year old has outgrown the high-chair, I usually have trouble getting him to sit at one place and have his food. And on days when I try to feed him so I can finish the job quicker, the noise levels goes up further by a few decibels with my initial entreaties and his refusals turning messier by passing minutes into threats and tears. So yesterday, amidst the usual ruckus, I was also trying to carry on conversations with my husband and our friend who was visiting us, when I heard Madhu who was eating on her own, rush to my side and trying to get my attention. I was about to brush her aside asking her to wait till I finished my conversation when I thought I heard her making funny noises. I turned to give her my full attention and found her clutching her throat and gagging. My girl was choking and it took me a full minute to understand what was happening. I always had poor reflexes and here was my blood rushing to my ears, my brains commanding me to act and all I could was stare at her while she was choking in front of my eyes.

Like an automaton, my brains still in a haze, I starting pounding her back, while shouting incoherently. Mugi, who had just come near me for his next mouthful, ran for his dear life away from the room, aware that something beyond his understanding was happening to Madhu and that seemed to drive his usual loony of a mom further crazy. Seeing her distress, Anna and our friend rushed to where we were standing to help her, but luckily she heaved on her own and she threw up what was constricting in her throat. It was a very tiny piece of a potato chip that she had swallowed in her haste to finish her lunch. Within minutes she was back to normal and back to chowing down her food as usual, but there I was sitting numb and contemplating my own helplessness over the incident. In reality, I was of very little help to her and that very thought left me stunned and powerless.

It is like every time you convince yourself that you can make their world safe and that you can protect them, something happens to shake your world and make you realise how fragile their lives are. The fact that she rushed to me rather than going to Anna or our friend standing right next to her showed how much she believed in me, the power of a mother who could make things right for her. The enormity of such a responsibility scared me even more. All my life I had wanted to be a mother, but it is indeed true you are told to be careful of what you wish for L. I remember refusing to leave the hospital and plaguing the hospital staff with all sorts of questions just before we were bringing her home as a baby. I also recall turning to Anna with a terrified look on my face and asking him if we can manage to look after something so tiny and so fragile, on our own.

We managed and we still are, but yet seven years down the track, I still have moments when the accountability for another life, leaves me frightened out of my wits. The split second where I had lowered my guard and had almost lost Madhu at the Harbourtown factory outlet or the time I saw Mugil vanish from my sight and walk behind a car that reversed a minute later or the dark moment in my life when I discovered spots of hair loss on Madhu’s head triggered by autoimmune disorder (alopecia areata) or the occasions when we had rushed them to emergencies with unabating temperatures…..the list goes on, making you wonder of your own capabilities as a parent and how much control can you exercise over these happenings and protect them. And the worst is not over yet......

And when I shed tears of relief over parenting challenges encountered and moments passed, I also remember in gratitude my parents who still walk around with their hearts outside their body. But for now, my first step will be to find out about first aid classes in the local community colleges…….anything that will prepare me better for my next challenge as a parent.